Worthlessingly

i feel quite a bit less then now. Is this how the end starts out? Anger, mistrust, and doubt. Is this you yelling "I WANT OUT"? i always believe the words you say. i only wish that went both ways. i try to do what's right, believe me. Oh, i forgot those words deceive me. Deceiving. Leaving, is not my answer. i honestly was trying to calm the evening. A little time of quietness i thought might be what's needed to put things right. Wrong. Today. It's a new start. Let's steal some flowers from the park. A new flower, a new.year. A new heart of pain and fear. i hate myself more then ever. i'm sorry i'm not the perfect lover. Or even a decent father. Right? Now i feel like screaming. Stop. You know the meaning. What i wouldn't give to just be dreaming. Clinging. To what once was, to both of us. The nighttime cold that was our friend now feels more and more like sin. Insecurity. Unjustified, i have not lied. i have mine too, i know they don't belong to you. i will no longer feed you my guilt. Stop. No more jokes with hidden meaning. It's just a way to protect my feelings. Stealing. A small smile, hiding myself the whole while. Not unlike a frightened child. i lay awake not knowing how to speak. Or if i could find words would they haunt me? Passion, replaced by silence. Please believe this not my intent. Oh, i forgot. You don't believe me. All my words are without feeling. Then you wonder why i'm silent. i'm thinking, about what i'm seeing. i see the woman i fell in love with when i look at you. i don't know how you don't see her too. I do. True. i'm no beauty. i hope you don't see me differently. i see. Perhaps you do. That's why you think i do too. i don't. Never will. Never blame you for what i do. The air is thick and ever heavy. It's hard to breath, it's hard to remedy. Fix this, i wish i could. I would and will do whatever. Just tell me them, i'll answer your prairs. At least the best i can. i'm only man. At least i try to be. Sorry. Not much of one. Stop.

Loveling

Standing on top of a hill
from up here i can see all you're thrills
i wish that i was yours to kill
i wish that i had left one last pill

Sleeping under the dark sea
from down here my dreams are as real as can be
i wish that i was yours to please
i wish that i had dropped to one knee

Broken Died

i can not lie to you my love
i'm broken apart by our words
i run and hide from both of us
But not for long i tell birds

i cannot cry on your new life
my screams are wet and died
my face dry cracked and bruised
i hate this song i've lied

my Little Misses

my little misses says
you can't run and you can't fly
i believe it when she says
you can't love if
You expect to die

When i see it in her lies
i'll believe it when she tries
there's nothing left behind closed eyes
my little misses runs and hides

Eye

i believe there's a place where we can go
where we'll always be held and never cold
i found this place so long ago
Through the exterior reality of your soul

i live in a world that no one knows
and now it's told that i'm too old
for if you cry my worlds exposed
And it dies so ever slow

Shadowing

Safe haven in a blanket of fears
confusion released by the years
i try to run far away
but it follows me night and day
always on the back of my mind
but my mind's left so far behind
just working my way through the pain
It's no wonder i'm going insane

Uninstitutionalizable

Bound in by chains of tears
cell walls consisting of mirrors
smiling faces melting to bone
haunting souls freezing to stone
trembling trees fearing the night
but using darkness as their light
subconscious world through a visual thought
mind triggered inspiration that's uncaught
for there are no boundaries limits or rules
i'm uninstitutionalizable

Tomorrows Yesterday

it's not because i'm lonely
although lonely i am
that's not the reason i'm feeling this
This i don't understand

Last night you said you were confused
believe me you're not alone
i'm just as blind as you if not more
And i have been for so long

i Don't so i

i don't want to cause an argument
so i will keep my responses inside
i don't want to inflict upon you pain
so i keep my distance with pride
i don't want to be the result of failed friendship
so i tell my heart it's a lie
i don't want for us to be apart
So i ask will you stay the night

i Hope So

Will i remember you when i'm insane
i love who i forgot again
will i think about you when i'm in bed
your image will not leave my head
will i die for you when i'm old
another story never told
will i still love you when i'm dead
You know i will for i have said

Liquid Fire

Pain filled tears burning my chin
my world is in chaos again
pouring flames from my eyes
all that's accomplished is failured tries
the smoke of tension limiting my sight
and then you take my only light
tears like fire racing down my face
Is there a way out of this place

Stain filled years burning all friends
wipe the love from tired eyes
inner blisters from all sins
All compassion is just lies

Loneliness

Life without a friend
life without a love
no one to talk to
nothing to enjoy
death is all i wish
Nothing more nothing less

i hide in the darkness
from what i don't understand
i run from shadows
that i can't comprehend
death is all i wish
It's just loneliness

Rotate Planet Dead

This side of the world is dying
indeed my friend without you
this time is the last of seven
What's a dead man have to lose

This side of the world is trying
to rebuild with parts all used
reconcile with a lover
In a world with hearts all bruised

Trust me i Know

The world will not stop turning
just because one's gone
no one will lose sleep
Or cry for very long

Soon they'll be referred to
as a fading memory
and after that forgotten
And that is what i see

Lovers And Liers

i can't think with an unappreciated mind
corrupted by lovers and liers
i can't live in an uncaring world
Filled with such morbid desires

i can't love with an unprotected heart
pouring out to everyone that i see
i can't die in an uncontrollable manner
But i'm already dead deep in me

Everything In Between

Together never
together again
only wasted time
a fight romance
a fight again
Already wasted mine

Falling Over You

Two peoples feelings
love and hate
all balled into one
the brightest gift
for darkest days
Who wants a sun

Getting To me

No matter how much
you tell me you care
it always seems rehearsed
it's hard for me to stay on top
When you say i'm the worst

December 25th

Love is nothing
if one can't pass the test
a failed father
and worthless lover
At my very best

Love is everything
only for those you care
and a no good rotten
preoccupied no one
me left standing here

Beauty Fool

What am i going to do
the whole world's in love with you
and you think i'm just a fool
i wish i was a beauty too
so i could be more like you
a priceless emotionless jewel
why is everyone so cruel
What am i going to do

What am i going to do
when ice storms in your heart brew
in a warm love filled life i grew
oh how i wish it was new
i'm still deep in love with you
my whole world's come unglued
and all of your dreams are true
What am i going to do

Blanket

Just to let me know you're thinking
just to let me know you're there
just so i can stop my worries
Just so i know that you care

Even if you can't talk too long
even if you're on the go
even just to hear your soft words
Even just to let me know

Ask

Ask upon this no one person
who's even worse at second glance
ask if he'll ever be someone
And i'll tell you not a chance

Ask upon this someone woman
with a glass of sweet romance
ask if she'll ever be no one
And she'll tell you not a chance

What

Blue wax sky pearl white stars glowing
hidden secret still not showing
dark red sores of sad boy burning
Opposite side moon clash turning

White wax waves ocean blue dance
exposed first fears only last chance
extinguished memory still haunting
Positive wet clouds bolt of lightning

Long Ago

i am just a bad man
bad into my soul
think i found an old road
That will lead me to your home

And if your home's still standing
think i will come knock
and i hope that you will answer
So we can take a walk

Walk into my forest
sit upon your stone
that is how i spend time
In bed asleep alone

Because i know it's not still standing
therefore i can't come knock
and you'll not be there to answer
So we can take a walk

That's why i'm a sad man
and even growing cold
i've lost the way to my thoughts
That will lead me to my soul

After All That's All

After all we've been through
it's so hard to say goodbye
after all we've fought through
And after all we've cried

After all you've helped me
sorry to repay you in this fall
after all you've loved me
And after all that's all

vs.07

As A Man

as a baby he will constantly cry
as a boy he won't always be there
as a man he is bound to die
as a god she will never care

vs.06

Waste of Space

simple phrase to label a man
a boy, a kid, whatever i am
just a few words to comprehend
waste of space, the truth i am

vs.05

Sympathetic Fool

believe that she still loves you
and that he is just a Friend
believe that they did nothing
and believe it all again

vs.04

Corner of my Eye

the place i see you standing
and the place i see you lie
the place you see my understanding
and the place i cry

Only A Member

As memories pour from the glass
sight restricted by pain
pain reinforced by love
Love reluctant to change

If i ever regain my sight
can i decrease the pain
and go re-find my love
Or do the members stay the same

vs.03

Waste of Emotions

don't look onto my eyes
or think a single thought of me
don't care what i do
and definitely don't love me

After Happily Ever After

So where is our relationship
what am i to do
what about our friendship
Was it all destroyed too

If that was as far as it's to go
i have something to tell you
after happily ever after
i will still love you

Tell me

Only time will tell
but will he tell enough
will he tell it all
Will we ever again love

Only time will heal
but will she heal all wounds
will she heal a battered heart
Will she spent in gloom

Man Made Man

A wooden man
that's made by hand
with a wooden heart
Wouldn't understand

A clay man
with all day friends
still can't love
Or comprehend

Advise me

i see my reflection in your eyes
and it just makes me realize
i've nothing to hide by my disguise
i'd give it all up for your advise

So tell me what am i to do
should i give it all up for you
and what's to happen if it's true
Or should i go find someone else too

And i

i want to curl up inside you
never to leave your sight
i want to lie down and love you
Night after night

i want you to hug me
if that's not too much to ask
i want you to kiss me
And love me at last

You

i don't want to leave you
leave you all alone
i don't want to hurt you
By standing for too long

i don't want you to hug me
if you can't do it again
i don't want you to kiss me
If it's the last time you can

Badbye

Let me dry my sweaty eyes
wipe away my salty tries
kiss goodbye my lonely nights
And surrender my lost rights

Let me dig my deserved grave
break the chains that hold me slave
dry my hands from the fate i've rinsed
And dirty again at my expense

Pay No Affection To me

Pay no affection to me
i'm not worth the misery
i'm not worth a dying plea
i'm not worth anything

Blame me for all of your shame
i'll love you just the same
i'll love you all i can
i'll love you my best friend

Once And For All

Once i saw you smile
because your words could help
once i saw you cry
Because your efforts tripped and fell

For all you've worried about me
and made my life much better
for all you've wanted to help me
And i'm in your dept forever

So Don't Give It To me

i don't deserve a memory
devoted only to me
i don't deserve a loving friend
that i will only mistreat

i don't deserve the best of things
when i am but the worst
i don't deserve a second chance
i didn't deserve the first

Birth

Rose arose morning light
rose smiling upon sight
rose kissing morning dew
rose shading upon you
rose playing morning start
Rose sleeping upon dark

Hearts Blame

i'm fearing my feelings
i'm standing here tearing
i'm lying here paining
my heart is insaneing

i'm feeling my fears
i'm standing in tears
i'm lying in pain
my heart is to blame

vs.02

Momentary Eternity

hug me hello, but not goodbye
i want to be with you tonight
i know that you have to go home
it's just so hard to sleep alone

Sir?

i crawl across the dessets heat
sir tell me why
i crawl towards a sight so sweet
sir must i die

i float across the ocean sheet
sir let me try
i float towards the fate i'll meet
sir must i die

i walk across the land i stand
sir watch me cry
i walk towards an open hand
sir must i die

i run across the feilds of green
sir hear me lie
i run towards the fact i've seen
sir must i die

i jump across the mountain stream
sir help me fly
i jump towards the real meaning
sir must i die

Promise One

Memories partly fill the emptiness
but they also make it worse
Pictures relieve some of the pain
but somehow it's not the same

Songs sometimes slow the sorrow
but they rarely last until tomorrow
Wishes seem never to come true
but someday i'll be with you

Unhear

Don't unhear my
silent cries
mixed amongst
my lonely sighs

Don't unhear my
desperate pleas
somewhere in
my apologies

Don't unhear my
pain filled screams
in between
my naked dreams

Dream A Little Dream For me

Sing a little song for me
sing of someone fanatically
sing your song mainly for me
Then dream a little dream for me

Play a little game with me
play with something sexually
play the game only with me
And dream a little dream with me

Dream a little dream for me
dream for somewhere peacefully
dream of a dream solly for me
Just dream a little dream for me

The Voice Of Silence

Somewhere out there
silence fades into noise
voices are but thoughts
subliminal messages
make up the concious mind
and nothings ever on time

Someone out there's
talking through expressions
mouth motions unseen
concreat words weigh
down the meaning
and they really don't mean a thing

Will You?

Please just stop and listen to me
please just accept my drop to one knee
Please just think about what you want
please just ignore the fact that i can't
Please just tell me soon as you know
please just decide for me to stay or go
Please just don't stay because it's easy
please just consider everything that we need
Please just quit running all the time
please just let me know what's mine
Please just step back and take a good look
please just realize i'm on your hook
Please just take another few days
please just go get lost in the haze
Please just turn around and come home
please just show me that it's me gone
Please just forget everthing that i've said
please just imagine what's in my head
Please just give me a not or call
please just lend a hand for my fall
Please just fall asleep in my arms
please just believe i'll protect you from harms
Please just remember when you loved me
please just leave me in that fantasy

Can You?

Pardon me i'm you i'm dying
pardon me and all truths lying
Pardon me all the years i've wasted
pardon me salty tears tasted
Pardon me yet away walking
pardon me my screams not talking
Pardon me if your love i'm needing
pardon me step away i'm bleeding
Pardon me though old wounds open
pardon me more friendships broken
Pardon me choices bad i've made
pardon me not another good day
Pardon me always i'm crying
pardon me happiest when dying
Pardon me troubles all brought to
pardon me pains that are on you
Pardon me then her not sorry
pardon me here i am don't worry
Pardon me laughter i'm faking
pardon me for bad love-making
Pardon me the ways i parent
pardon me together we aren't
Pardon me that i'm not what you need
pardon me sorry i'm just me

Do You?

Does anyone think i should not be
does anyone love me besides me
Does anyone see that i exist
does anyone hear my last promise
Does anyone ever listen to me
does anyone question my authority
Does anyone want to be my friend
does anyone feel the pain i'm in
Does anyone taste my blood red tears
does anyone acknowledge my fears
Does anyone know i'll die this year
does anyone care i'm not all here
Does anyone and everyone always stare
does anyone let their friends beware
Does anyone repeat history
does anyone set out to deceive
Does anyone get blamed for innocence
does anyone put up a defense
Does anyone do unrewarding deeds
does anyone help out others needs
Does anyone out there love to hate
does anyone reconciliate
Does anyone remember my first prayer
does anyone else need heart repair

vs.01

Sunlaps

passionate romance in melting skin
engulfed by flames of love and sin
existence impaired, caution it's true
10 degrees below 1,000's how i burn for you

Part One
Also see vs.131

vs.00

Beginnings

shine that of a golden earth
and see reflections for their worth
hold your baby close heart-side
as two lips dance the country wide

Chapter Seven

vs.00-vs.94

This is a document of
the moments in life
that are filled with love
or the loss of it.

Although this book
is restricted to only
a few people, i love
everyone that i know.